


Princess

by LeonoraChris



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Drama, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt, Loss, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2015-09-30
Packaged: 2018-04-23 13:26:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4878589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeonoraChris/pseuds/LeonoraChris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He hadn't been thinking too clearly. It was so painfully ironic and he knew if his team would ever find out, they would never forget or let him forget. And yet it gave him the greatest gift a man could ever be given. Through it all he finds happiness and healing. And then he's crushed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Princess

**Author's Note:**

>   
> _The story and any possible original characters are mine.  
>  NCIS, its own characters and canon aren't._  
> [Youtube 1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FDcTyyXQb8) & [Youtube 2](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9D7ultFfoiM)
> 
> * * *

When he first met her, they were both maybe just a little too drunk and too much of life. Not quite Jesse and Céline; much less romantic, much more awkward and there was much less talking involved. They exchanged names, but not phone numbers. It was just one of those 'living in the moment' situations that could happen to anyone. Typical one-night stand. You meet once and you never see each other again. Two broken souls who simply needed someone to hold them and help forget life and rest of the world for a while. It wasn't right the things they did, but when you were hurting and you didn't know any other way, being wise or even smart was the last thing on their mind.

The next morning they exchanged awkward smiles, a kiss on the cheek and they went back to living their own lives, never meeting again or thinking about what they did. Meeting again would be too big of a reminder. Thinking about it would mean to admit it really did happen.

To be fair that _had_ been the plan, both of them having been far too vulnerable on that fateful night over a month ago.

* * *

"Special Agent DiNozzo," Tony answers his phone tiredly and then a moment later he almost drops it. The others finally look at him when the frown on his face deepens as he's listening quietly. "No, that's fine... Yes... Thanks..." He ends the call and rubs his eyes, hoping they're not a give away just how exhausted he is.

"DiNozzo?"

"It's something personal. Nothing you need to worry about, boss."

Ziva and McGee are now openly staring at him. The ' _I share my entire life with you_ ' man isn't in a sharing mood? Gibbs doesn't look too happy either, but before anyone could start pestering Tony for answers, the elevator doors open, revealing a woman they have never seen before.

"Tony!" She storms out as soon as her eyes spot him. She is crying and shaking when she throws herself in Tony's arms before he can even get up from his chair.

"Laura..." Looking anywhere but at his team, Tony carefully wraps his arms around the shaking form in his arms. This isn't supposed to happen and seeing her makes him feel vulnerable. It makes his skin crawl as he knows his team is already trying to strip down all his defenses, to discover all his deepest secrets.

"DiNozzo."

"Who is she?" McGee asks at the same time as their boss tries to demand an explanation. When the boss glares at him, he quickly shuts his mouth and cowers.

"Is she not too young for you?" Ziva asks with a taunting voice.

Tony doesn't flinch, but he feels suddenly cold. He certainly doesn't need to be reminded that he has crossed that red line of age forty. Laura isn't exactly half of his age, but her youthful appearance and the running nose mixed with her tears makes her look even younger than her barely thirty years. He could already see them start comparing him to Senior, which is the last thing he wants or needs.

"Both of you be quiet and get back to work!" Gibbs growls out with a booming voice and he feels some guilt when the woman jumps at his raised voice. Then much to his surprise, Tony glares at him dangerously over her head. There is a clear warning in his eyes. "DiNozzo..." Gibbs tries again, but Tony shakes his head as he stands up, with his arms still around the woman who now refuses to even face them. At least she had stopped crying. Stopped making any kind of sounds. Courtesy of Gibbs scaring her with his angry commanding tone of voice.

"I think I'll take that break now," Tony speaks with a tight and barely controlled voice.

They stare as Tony leads the woman back in the elevator. With one last look in the bullpen, before the doors separate him from his team, Tony finally allows the guarded look on his face slowly fade away. When he stops the elevator, Laura nearly falls over, had it not been his steady hand ready for it.

"What..?"

"It gives us probably much more privacy than going anywhere where someone could follow us... I hope you don't mind? We can go to someplace nicer if you want." While saying that, Tony is secretly hoping his team—and Abby—won't even think about following them, but he feels better after making sure there are no holes where anyone could either crawl in or eavesdrop.

"No... It's fine."

"So. You're here. What's wrong? I mean obviously something is or you wouldn't have come here and to me, looking the way you do."

For a while she seems to have lost completely her ability to speak. When she finally gets the life changing words out of her mouth, her voice trembles and she looks ready to start crying again, "I'm pregnant."

If a man could be turned into a stone with a single spoken sentence then that would be it. When she spoke, he could almost hear the proverbial bomb go off next to his ears and for a while he can't hear anything. Then things get blurry for a moment and at first he can't think, could barely even breathe. Once he can think again, there are thousands of different thoughts going through his mind at the same time, some overlapping the others. Who is the father? Why is she telling this to _him_? Dear God, he couldn't be the father. Look at the kind of father Senior has always been and all the other father figures in his life.

"Tony?" It's the trembling of her voice that finally brings Tony back to earth.

Feeling weak on his knees, he has to sit down. "Is..?"

She bites her bottom lip and sits down next to him. "It's... It's yours... I know that you might not believe me and I understand it, but... you're the only man I've been with after I... my... after my fiancé left me... I understand if you don't want to... I mean..."

Pushing his panic away, Tony finally looks at her properly. "Are you going to keep it?"

"Yes." She looks offended. "You don't have to do anything. I just thought you might want to know."

Tony shakes his head. "No. I didn't mean to make it sound like I wouldn't. It's just, I don't know if I can be a good father."

"I understand..." She looks away.

He's suddenly scared for another reason. Come what may, but that is a piece of him in there, somewhere, somehow. How did that happen..? To tell the truth, that night is no more than a hazy memory, thanks to a few too many good drinks. If the kid asks how his or her parents met, they might be better off inventing another story... He's been shot and hurt in so many different ways, yet he's never been this terrified in his entire life. Throw him in the middle of a battle where he could die any moment and he's fine. This situation now? It's beyond terrifying.

"If you'll let me... I want to be there." He realizes only after speaking that he means every word.

Laura stares at him long and hard, as if trying to see whether she can trust his word or not, which makes him really nervous. Instead, her next question has nothing to do with that. "You trust my word? You're not worried I'm pregnant with another man's child and am lying to you?"

Tony shrugs. He hadn't even given it any thought. "I'm sure by now you know what my job is. I'm trained to see things most people wouldn't. So yes, I trust you. Unless you're a _very_ good liar, I can read you like an open book. You're telling the truth. We can of course later do a DNA test if you want. Besides—"

"If I want?"

"I'm sure we'll know for sure by the time we see the kid. I mean, with my dashing looks, I'm sure we'll know with one glance." He grins and she laughs, looking much more relaxed, while Tony is starting to feel the panic slowly return. He isn't sure if he could even get up on his feet at this point. "So, how did you find me?"

Laura looks guilty. "My uncle is a cop and, like my dad, a former Marine. He helped me."

Tony flinches. Oh great, another Marine. "Is he going to kill me?"

"What? Why would you—? Oh. No, he was yelling at me for half an hour for being so stupid, but then he was hugging me and getting excited about the baby."

Tony tries to not look, but his eyes keep drifting toward her flat belly. Thanks to Senior's usual neglect, it had been his frat brothers who well and truly gave him the 'talk' of where the babies came from, which was one of the most embarrassing moments of his entire life. Not that he had been completely unaware by that age, but there were many things he hadn't truly understood. His brothers had been _very_ generous with their knowledge. A little too generous after a few drinks. He is not so naive anymore, but he still finds himself in awe at the thought of such a small human being already in there. A piece of him. It's a scary thought and he has to swallow down the lump that's starting to form in his throat.

"So... Is there someone else who is going to kill me?"

* * *

Tony didn't tell anyone at work, not even Gibbs. He made up some story of how she had needed his help and it was her story to tell and that's why he couldn't share the details with them. He knew of course that sooner or later his secret would be out. Like, by the time he would have a kid to take care of. But thinking how they might start teasing or even taunting him for getting a girl pregnant, made him wish they would never find out.

After trying to trick him into spilling out the truth for a while, the team finally left him alone. Gibbs however kept giving him odd looks for weeks after that, whenever the man thought he didn't notice. It made Tony paranoid and worry that his undercover skills were somehow lacking.

He most definitely didn't even breathe about this to his old man. As things were, he wasn't even sure if he would let Senior be in his kid's life. It was one thing when the man kept throwing the same old crap at his own son, but when it came to the unborn child... Tony was already becoming incredibly protective over that precious life and he knew he would not allow any of those things exist in his kid's life. In fact, he wouldn't hesitate to finally break things off for good between him and his dad if he had to. And wouldn't that be ironic? The son who was disowned, disowning his own father years later.

They were still not sure what they would do when the baby was born, but after talking over their options and future plans for a while, Laura moved in with him. It would help him take care of her when she would have to stop working, but mostly it was because he had a better place and it was closer to both of their works.

Meeting Laura's uncle, the _Marine_ cop, had been interesting to say the least. Mostly because the man was nothing what Tony had thought he would be. He was nothing like Gibbs and instead of beating up the man who got his beloved niece pregnant, the man took one good look at him and spoke the words Tony hated— _You'll do_ —with the biggest grin on his face. Tony was still trying to figure out where he stood in the old cop's eyes.

Living together also meant getting to know each other and after a while it became more obvious just how much they had in common...

Like Tony, Laura was pretty much alone in this world. Her uncle was one of the few people she was still close with. Everyone else had either died or abandoned her. She grew up with alcoholic father who had turned to a bottle after his career as a Marine didn't quite work out. She had never met her mother and looking like her mirror image guaranteed the man's dislike toward his own child. It all hit too close, which was why it took much more talking before Tony shared anything about his own parents, his childhood and life after it. What he didn't say, she could read between the lines, understanding what he didn't admit out loud, things only a fellow abused child could understand. They were two kids with broken childhoods. The baby was what united them, but the past was what brought them closer.

They became good friends, but nothing else. No matter what the cost, they knew they would love and protect their kid, even if they would end up hating each other. The child would come first. They both agreed to keep their fathers away from their grandkid. The risk was too great to give any leeway.

It finally happened on that day, when Tony could feel the baby moving under his hand for the first time. When it happened, it was nothing like their first time. There was no heat there. No drunken lust. No pain that needed to be forgotten. It was awkward and almost shy, lips barely even touching, like two kids kissing for the first time. It was scary and afterwards Tony buried himself in work for days, until the Marine uncle came to literally drag him back home and ordered them to talk about their feelings.

* * *

"Do you think we could be good parents? People like us..."

Laura lifts her head from his shoulder and looks at Tony with a thoughtful look on her face. "I don't know."

"I'm freaking out again."

"Don't freak out. Little bean will become restless again and then _I'll_ start freaking out."

Tony chuckles. After nicknaming the baby their 'little bean' at the early stages of the pregnancy, they now can't seem to get rid of it. They can't even come to an agreement with what to name him or her. "Fine. No freaking out."

She is almost seven months pregnant and the closer the time comes, the more they both start stressing out. Being first time parents and both of them lacking any self-confidence, they bought every book they could find about kids and parenting and they researched the whole internet out of both good and bad information, and then they even decided to go to couple of professionals for some help and advice. But with their history and their own lack of childhood, nothing will help until they can finally actually try that whole parenting thing. At least they will know what not to do, thanks to their own parents.

"Uncle and your brothers think we'll do fine."

After realizing that they do want and need to have more people in their child's life and since neither really have that many people they could trust, Tony finally called couple of his closest frat brothers, deciding to first see how that would go before allowing anyone else inside their new family circle. Starting with those he trusts the most. Thankfully the brothers got over their shock and awe quickly and took over the role of surrogate uncles with far too much liberty. Who would have thought that two grown men know so much about babies? Even if they are parents themselves.

"We've got to tell those two idiots to stop bringing all that stuff over," Tony mutters as he looks once again at the indoor playhouse, which in his opinion takes over half of the living room.

"Let them be. They're happy for you. For us. And according to them, they're especially thrilled because it's you."

"They're going to spoil the kid rotten..."

"And you love them for it. Admit it."

Tony doesn't admit anything, but his small secretive smile is enough for her. She joins her hand with his over her baby bump. They are both anxious and terrified. In other words, they are happy.

* * *

It's only a week before all hell broke loose and crushed everything. A week before it happened was when they decided to take another big chance. They got married.

There were no big proposals, although Tony did later buy her a proper ring, which she called the college fund backup plan for the future. It was their mutual agreement over a simple breakfast early one morning to get married. Neither one of them really needed a piece of paper from the government to see themselves as a married couple, but they did it for their child. Both wanted to give the kid that perfect childhood with white picket fence, with a mom and dad. Maybe even another sibling later. A proper healthy and loving family. Everything they didn't have. And so the worthless piece of paper suddenly became something important.

The wedding was as small as it could get. There was just the two of them, Laura's uncle, Tony's two frat brothers and the priest with the gentle eyes.

Her dress wasn't white and it looked nothing like a wedding dress. The baby blue dress was the only thing that was both nice enough and still fit over her baby bump. She complained that morning how she was looking like a big fat whale, with angry tears in her eyes. It was the first time Tony realized she was beautiful, but he was smart enough to not say it out loud, knowing she would think he was just being nice to her and not taking his words seriously.

Having seen other brides planning their own weddings, Tony felt guilty. To make up for it, he was already secretly planning a proper wedding after their little bean was bigger.

While their entire relationship since the beginning had been anything but conventional, and they were friends first and the romantic love came only second, there were hardly any dry eyes at the wedding. A real Hallmark moment. Afterwards they went to get some pizza, which the new wife so desperately wanted. She kept blaming Tony for her odd craving for pizza during most of the pregnancy. It was the happiest day for both of them. Only the birth of their child could beat that memory and they were getting even more anxious by the day. Anxious to finally meet their bean. Then suddenly a week later after the wedding, Laura went into labor.

It happened in the middle of the night and she woke him up in tears and naked fear in her eyes. Too afraid to move her himself, Tony called the 911. When the paramedics finally made it to their apartment, they at first mistook him as their patient. He was looking ill and ready to pass out. They made it to the hospital and for a while the doctor had sounded hopeful. Everything could still turn out well and the baby might not even be born yet, which was good; a month too early couldn't be good. Not with his luck. Dear God, had he given his unique ability to get into trouble to his kid? He would have to DiNozzoproof their home and never let the kid outside...

When the doctor finally came back to him, he could see the truth on the man's face. There were some complications no one had foreseen. Tony didn't hear anything else after that. Every defense mechanism he had ever built up since his childhood went up and by the time he entered Laura's room, he was in full undercover persona.

They had to cut their baby out of her and now she was dying. Tony hated seeing that almost serene acceptance on her tired face. He hated even more himself for being too much of a coward to admit to her that their baby was also dying. He wasn't sure if she could see the truth when they allowed her to see their small baby girl and even hold her for a moment. She did good. Tony made sure Laura knew that. He almost fell apart as he thanked his wife for the most precious gift anyone had ever given to him. She died in his arms, smiling, and he could only pray that she never saw through his lie.

His little princess didn't live to see the day. Tony spent the remaining hours with his child, trying to not break down, while he memorized every smallest detail that he possibly could. He never thought he'd end up using his investigator skills for something like this. He never even thought about calling anyone, feeling too scared to lose even one minute and choosing instead to spend that time where he was and talking softly to the tiny preemie. Someone might have asked him whether they should make any phone calls for him, but he was dead to the outside world.

At some point talking became too much and when a nurse walked by the room next time, she saw the precious sight of a father with his baby; singing softly. The song was ' _Danny's song_ ', although he changed the lyrics by replacing ' _son_ ' with ' _child_ '. It was heartbreaking and no one dared to enter the room, but many kept walking by the room that night.

She died while it was still dark outside and for once Tony truly was not fine. He broke down.

* * *

"What are you doing here?" As soon as he lets that question out of his mouth, Leon Vance notices something is very wrong and as much as he doesn't want to see the man outside the work, he can't help the raising concern. His Agent is haggard looking and his eyes... He looks lost and nothing like the DiNozzo he is used to seeing.

Tony frowns and then he blinks slowly, too slowly. As if only now realizing where he is standing. His original plan had been to come talk to Vance at the man's home, so no one at work would find out just how messed up he is. That had been his only rational thought, but by the time he was ringing the doorbell, he couldn't even remember how he got there in the first place. Let alone where he is or what he is doing there. Not once did he even think that he could've just called instead of coming here.

"DiNozzo?" Now Vance is really worried.

"Director?" Tony blinks more rapidly this time. Even his voice sounds off. For a man of his age, it is disturbing how childlike he sounds. "Right... I was going to... I need some time off."

Vance holds back his need to start demanding answers. "I see. Why?"

"Well, there's the funeral and..." Tony laughs. It's a hollow laughter and it sends a shudder through Vance.

"Whose funeral?"

Tony looks up. "My wife."

"Your... What?"

"And our daughter."

Vance is dumbstruck. DiNozzo is married? And has a kid? He speaks out before he thinks it through, which is why he sounds accusing, "I didn't know you are married."

Tony stares at him as if he's the dumbest man to ever walk on the earth. "Was. They're dead. Last night. I need time off. Have to arrange their... funeral."

Cursing himself, Vance winces. "I'm sorry."

"They're dead," Tony repeats and Vance barely has time to move, to catch him when Tony's knees buckle.

Vance shocks even himself with the gentle way he talks to the Agent he has never even liked, "Come on, DiNozzo. Let's get you inside."

"I'm fine," Tony mutters, but he doesn't fight back when he's almost carried inside the house and on the couch. When Vance picks up the phone, Tony seems to come to his senses, even if for a moment. "Don't tell Gibbs."

In the end the impossible happens when Vance makes his Agent spend the night in his guest room. At one point he saw something in the man's eyes, which disturbed him, and he's unwilling to let DiNozzo be without supervision that night. Had someone told him only the day before that he would end up staying awake all night and babysitting DiNozzo, he would've thought it to be a very bad joke.

Next morning the mood is awkward and uncomfortable. Both men had done all the talking they had to last night and now there is nothing they could say anymore.

Finally the more emotionally stable one—Vance—mutters something ill-mannered and he forces a smile on his face when his Agent is looking ready to run. "Take all the time you need."

Tony flashes a weak, but grateful smile and then practically escapes from the house, feeling horrified that of all people he had gone to Leon Vance. This one is going to come back and haunt him.

Not too many days later, the funeral is a small one and it is yet another reminder of how similar he and Laura really are. She only has her uncle to come send her off and couple of friends from work. Looking at them and his frat brothers, Tony can't help but wonder if this is how his own funeral will be like; only few people to send him away, because he doesn't really have anyone and those who he does have, they all end up abandoning him one way or another.

They have a surprise guest joining them at the end of the funeral. Leon Vance. When he notices him, Tony at first thinks he is going to see Jackie, but then the man walks straight toward the small group of people standing in front of the fresh grave. There is awkward silence when the Director puts down the flowers on the grave and he reads the names on the stone; _Laura DiNozzo_ and... "Princess DiNozzo?"

Tony grins weakly. "Pretty lame, right? She probably would've grown to hate that name and me for giving it. But she'll always be my princess... Couldn't... Can't think of any other name for her..."

Vance hesitates and then he awkwardly pats at the man's trembling shoulder. Not quite a hug, but close enough. It's not like they are friends or anything. He had been going to see his own wife after this, but he knows Jackie wouldn't mind if he is late today.

* * *

Vance agreed to tell his team the cover up story, without a single complaint. Tony still couldn't believe that this imposter was his Director, since last he checked they didn't even like each other. But he couldn't really complain, because with this they bought him some time before Gibbs finally snapped and tried to track down his Agent. As far as the team knew, their SFA was working undercover and it was 'need to know'.

After that, he went off the grit for a month. He didn't take anything with him. Not a phone or even his car. Only some cash, a water bottle and the clothes on his back. The only people who had known of Laura and his daughter were worried, but with his grief just about killing him and still too raw, Tony couldn't find it in himself to care. He was at his secret getaway and it was that one place where he could relax, knowing he had the peace and quiet to grieve without anyone watching or trying to offer him their sympathy.

He bought the place years ago, while still working as a Detective. It was a small mountain cabin and just to get there you had to be in a very good shape. He doubted his team would even believe him to own a place like that. Their many illusions of him were working in his favor now. He didn't have to worry that Gibbs or someone would suddenly storm in there. And if someone did, he'd notice that hours before they even made it to the cabin, which was plenty of time for him to disappear again.

There were days when he didn't do anything besides drinking himself numb, while sitting outside on the old rocking chair, which the previous owner had left there.

Sometimes he wept in a way he could only do knowing he was alone and had no one to witness it. On such days he couldn't keep the food down, so he didn't even bother eating. Often times that ended with him collapsing and falling asleep, wherever he was at the time. He would claim it was falling asleep, because DiNozzos don't pass out.

At times, which he couldn't really predict, he started raging. At one point almost cursing the God Almighty Himself for doing this to him. Then he simply started crying again, trying to look at his life and see when he had committed such a grave sin that would cause this, and begging for forgiveness as he questioned his every action and every life he couldn't save during his long career.

On his good, but rare moments, Tony went fishing or he cleaned up the mess he had made while drunk or when he broke things during one of his fits of rage.

When he finally made his way back, he spent that time rebuilding the Tony DiNozzo everyone were familiar with.

On his first day back to work, Gibbs gave one hard look at him, but since by then his everyday undercover persona was tight and secure again, the boss soon dismissed his gut feeling. When he welcomed Tony back, his voice sounded strangely gruff. The only one to see the act for what it was—of all people—was the Director. And as he was observing his Agent, who looked too normal and too happy with all bright smiles and jokes, Vance was hit with a sudden revelation; he did not know his own Agent at all. Had probably never known in the first place.

* * *

"I know they're worried. My brothers keep bugging me, even though they have their own lives to live. Your uncle is also suffering, but he's more worried about me... Vance is... He's been strange. Don't know what he wants from me, acting all nice... Even Gibbs is starting to notice and McGee is looking like someone stole his puppy... Don't tell Vance I called him puppy..." Tony chuckles softly.

His phone is flashing farther away and he glances at it. It has been doing that almost non stop for more than an hour now. He knows of course that keeping it silent and not answering their calls will only make them more worried, but he just can't talk to anyone right now. He simply has no strength to face them. Even if it is something so simple as answering his phone.

He is sitting on the floor and talking to himself, just like he always does lately whenever he's not working. He's talking to the picture he's holding, which is the only picture he has with all three of them together. He can't even remember if the nurse who took it was a male or female. On the picture Laura is looking so frail and strong at the same time, with her arms around their little bundle of joy. She's looking so proud and like a mother. He's sitting next to her with his one arm around her shoulders and a hand over the baby's small head. Even with all his undercover skills, the camera had somehow managed to capture that split second where you could see the pain in his eyes; pure agony that is almost razor sharp to anyone looking.

Not for the first time, Tony wonders how long he would be able to keep it a secret just how broken he truly is. He feels hollow and like part of him died with them. He has to constantly try to remember such basic things as eating or that his alarm clock in the mornings means he has to get up and go to work. He doesn't know what he would do if he didn't have his work. As much as he loves his brothers, they can't be there forever for him. Work is all he has now.

"It's all that's left of me, girls..." Tony speaks softly and his hand trembles when he touches the picture. He ignores his still flashing phone on the floor and instead picks up his guitar. Not for the first time, he starts playing and softly singing the song that had become his most beloved one. His last memory of his little bean.

" _People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one. And we've just begun, I think I'm gonna have a girl. She will be like you and me, as free as a dove..._ "

_**The End** _


End file.
